The world news stations tuned into the Mrs World pageant held in Sri Lanka around Easter in 2021. Two years before this, the island captured the world’s attention. The deadly Easter bombings destroyed lives around the country in churches and high-end hotels.
It is three years since I first wrote of this news item. Recent events in my own life made me re-visit it with renewed interest.
Crowning glory…
Beauty contests, though some may perceive as a dated idea, have their place in society for those seeking fame and fortune. This beauty contest followed the usual pattern. The reigning champion, a Sri Lankan, crowned the new winner. The cameras zoomed in on the beaming winning candidate. At that moment, the same lady who crowned her returned to the stage. She boldly announced that the winner was a divorcee, therefore, the winner was not eligible to hold the crown! She approached the lady and removed the crown and announced the first runner up as the winner. The momentarily crowned lady was left startled and exposed to humiliation.
The most surprising aspect was the gleeful acceptance of the crown by the first runner up. She did not seem to have any compassion towards the lady from whom the crown was snatched. Unbelievable sequence of events which brought about a furore of opinions that hit the national and international press around the world.
I am not writing this to put any wrongs to right of a beauty pageant. If not for this incident, most of us will not have even heard of this competition. The contest in question will have its rules and processes which would have dealt with the incident.
Beauty and conflict
A trait became apparent to me as I watched this unravel. It permeates through every level of society. We see it in day-to-day life in this multi-cultural, multi-faith country even in the 21st century. Women in general have lower social recognition. In addition if a woman does not meet the cultural expectations that society demand of her, she can be ranked even lower.
A woman is deemed to have less value if she is single for whatever reason. She may be unmarried, divorced, separated, or widowed. Society values a woman with a husband more. Similar value is attributed to married women without children. In a patriarchal society, a woman gains validity only if she is affiliated with a man. Her fertility also plays a role in this perception. For a country that raised the first woman Prime Minister in the world, this can be an alarming fact to take in. Women in such life situations have no respectful place in society and gatherings like weddings and coming of age ceremonies.
The purity of a woman who has lost her husband and remains unmarried is usually met with suspicion. If one is divorced the woman even becomes a social target. This rejection although at times subtle and nuanced, can be deeply cutting and debilitating for the woman concerned. It can even take the form of overt physical and verbal insults or even assault.
A personal viewpoint….
I write with the pain of having faced the consequences of being a divorcee and a single mum in the last 25+ years. The value attributed to me and my family unit dropped to the lowest levels. This caused so much pain and distress. The length at which people went to discredit me and cast undue bad light on my character or criticise me as being a ‘social disgrace’ was deeply hurtful. Especially when it was directed by close family. I struggled to understand this when I put things in the context of our shared Christian faith. I am not concerned about my feelings towards those who rejected me. Instead, I question what drives otherwise reasonable human beings to act in such a way.
I witnessed the events of the beauty pageant in question. This allows me to be more aware of the reasons behind such acts. Shaming someone who does not meet the expected standards in society is common. Communities make it worse when they inflict it on a chosen target.
Here’s a story that illustrates cultural expectations. These expectations make people act in ways that are harmless on the surface . Yet, they yield unintended consequences which can be perplexing.
In this culture, when a younger family member gets married, an older female sibling usually performs various cultural acts. She is already married and aims to bring about prosperity and fertility to the couple getting married. Even Christian families perform these rituals that are harmless on the surface, to be culturally relevant. At a point in life, I was married but without child, I was not permitted to take part in my due role at a ceremony as the elder. This was because of my childlessness; although it was not expressly stated. It was instead given to a younger relative who was married and had a child.
At the time, I felt the pain that the honour that was mine as the elder relative being taken away. But I got over the social and cultural humiliation directed at me. However, what unravelled later in the lives of those involved made me stop. It led me to consider these actions and their consequences.
Playing with culture ignoring godly values can be dangerous. But are we even aware that we are doing this?
Honour related choices and unintended consequences…
Despite all the cultural rituals being followed and a church blessing conducted, the wedded couple was sadly not blessed with children. He was the only male in that generation to carry on the genealogy of the family. It is sadly now not to be. There was a twist in the tale. A couple of years later, I discovered my perceived barrenness was proven wrong. I was blessed with two sons. The irony of the tale unfolding was too confusing to witness.
What if… I was given the place of honour despite my childlessness as the elder relative to perform my role, out of kindness – would this male relative be blessed with a child? We simply don’t know. When we profess a faith in the Almighty God and play with culture without consideration of the value of the other, we play with fire. I believe God honours culture within his laws of love and consideration extended to one another. What the world perceives as wholesome can be quite the opposite in God’s economy. He loves the widow and the orphan. The woman who is waiting to have a child, like Hannah or Ruth who was widowed.
The culture in which we operate, forms our values and opinions on how we do things and treat each other.
Looking back – trying to make sense…..
My parental generation were the first young adults of the post-colonial era. During the immediate post-colonial times the Sinhalese people felt the desire to re-align their cultural identity. This identity is intrinsically entwined with the prevailing culture. Customs, rituals and superstitions handed down from a mainly patriarchal society continue to remain and thrive if not seen through the lens of Christian spirituality. Sinhalese Christians are a minority on the island although the Sinhalese Buddhists were the socially larger group consisting of 80% of the population.
In hindsight, I recognise that the Sinhala Christian identity has struggled to evolve. This concept is nothing new when you consider minority Christian groups around the world whose cultural identity is interspersed with the dominant culture.
Healing and restoration…….
In contrast, after my marriage ended, my life in the UK as a divorced single mum gave me space to draw comfort and value by belonging to my church family. In a multi-ethnic and diverse church where there was no cultural judgement conferred upon me, I could raise my young in a safe environment.
In this multi-ethnic church setting I also had the privilege of being involved in the ceremony of two young couples’ marriages who were closely associated with my family. My divorced status was not frowned upon as they had witnessed my life for many years prior to that. What balm to my soul! They had no idea of my story described above but I felt God restored my dignity in his family by their generosity of spirit.
“Whoever does God’s will, will be my brother and sister and mother”. Mark 3:35
We cannot do this in culturally segregated groups where we only mingle with our own. There is a deep necessity to shine a light on cultural blind spots, and this works both ways as we worship with the other.
We can only hope that the players involved in the unfortunate incident of the beauty pageant find their true worth. I hope they learn to honour each other as women, regardless of their faith or status in life.
Beauty can bloom out of conflict. It brings to light hidden values that need the refining fire of God.
intercultural musings 