If you opened this page, you probably wonder what the hxxx this is! Believe me, there is no trick to it, only an attempt to subvert unnecessary algorithms tracing my digital footprint.
I have a true tale to tell but first let me plagiarise a fable.
It was told that St Peter was peering into the depths of the fiery furnace of hxxx with the expectation that he could rescue whoever was willing and able to get out of the fiery pit. Most people groups had a rope ladder and were helping each other to get on it and get out of the burning abyss. To his surprise he noted one group was quite content, sitting around and no one was even heading towards the ladder. Curious and somewhat baffled, he asked a neighbouring escapee as to who this group was, and why they were not attempting to get out of this dismal situation despite being given an opportunity… “Oh, they are the Sinhalese. No one tries to escape because when one tries, someone else pulls him back down!”
I know I don’t have to spell out the moral of the story. But this resonated with me as it has been my experience, looking around and within. It is with deep sadness I say this that entering the seventh decade of my life, having gone through leaving my birth country as a young adult, settling in another, marriage, divorce, and single parenting and even through to entering full time ministry in the Christian church, I have at every stage been pulled down by my very own.
It may sound a sweeping statement but check it for yourself, as I have too. A people group who cannot and will not allow anyone else to prosper, do something for the common good or thrive in any sphere without using nuanced shaming to belittle a person. Now one might say, it is not peculiar to Sri Lankans and that there are others who do the same. I will not tread in another’s territory but venture only to look at where I hail from.
You might ask how do they do it, and why?
One of the deadliest weapons humanity has used for millennia is ‘shame’. Shaming someone in a community where the collective honour is held in high esteem for fickle reasons is carried out with extreme sophistication. If one is deemed higher in the social strata than another it is incumbent upon them to demean and act in subtle ways to display their air of superiority. An individual targeted can get side-lined and ostracised from family and friends. The tactics used can be writing letters of complaint to employers or where a person is known to be serving, passive aggression, spreading untruths or twisted half-truths about someone, disbelieving when someone calls for help, cutting someone off for no valid reason and not giving the benefit of the doubt and communicating with civility. The list is endless. When such responses to each other is endemic in a culture as a whole and in families, it becomes so much a part of normal life that unless you step out of it, you will never realise that you are soaked in this degrading way of life.
I am able to distinguish this because I have been part of communities with people of other cultures, where I have not seen or experienced this character trait as much as I have seen in mine. I have lived long enough to say this and will not be apologetic, because I do so in the hope of transforming shame in my community and for us to realise what damage we do to ourselves. Also in the hope it can be named and help us stop ourselves from further distancing ourselves from one another.
When you shame your own, you shame yourself in the process.
We glorify ‘family’ in our South Asian culture. Yet, with one of the highest divorce rates in the world, it is known that one of the key reasons for marriages to be torn apart is ‘extended family’. Surprised? Don’t be. If you are from this part of the world, look around and pay attention and you will encounter this yourself. Don’t be afraid to call it out and name it and find ways of encouraging families to thrive. We keep mum because of family honour, or for the fear of being disinherited or blacklisted, or pursued by culture police.
When you are the target of shame it is like an invisible paint, or a corrosive substance thrown at you which makes you melt away to oblivion. It touches your very core, and you cannot pinpoint or shake it off. You can shut your eyes and hope it will go away like a big black spider that is coming your way, except that spider is invisible. When you have experienced shame repeatedly in your life it can turn into a chronic situation that puts layer upon layer of that corrosive invisible substance on your very being.
Get the picture?
How does one stand against such an untouchable phenomenon and live and work and raise a family and everything else? When churches encourage diaspora culture groups to cluster together, such damaging cultural traits get perpetuated. It will be glossed over by the culture elites to blind and unsuspecting church leaders of the West and the damage that ensues can go down generations, thus making faith and discipleship all the harder.
If you recognise this affecting your life you can visit transforming shame.co.uk and join in the conversation.
What traits in your own culture group would you rather not see?
intercultural musings 